-
When I was a baby I slept in a drawer for six weeks. My parents assure
me that they never actually closed it.
I was an only child until I was fourteen. Then I had a baby brother and sister. I usually blame all of my insecurities and low self esteem on them. They’re not bothered as far as I know.
I was one of the first people in the country to have plastic surgery on the NHS. I had my ears pinned back. When I came out of the operating theatre my whole head was bandaged up and my mum said she thought I’d had brain surgery.
When I was a child me and my mum and dad went everywhere together. I sat in the back of the car and sang along with all their songs. My mum was a dressmaker and made herself a dress and a miniature version of the same thing for me. I loved it as a child. As soon as I became a teenager I hated it. My dad was a great fan of horse racing. He had a number of pens that he used to choose his horses. Some were lucky, others were not. He used to put them behind his ear for safety.
I went to a girl’s convent high school. My best friends were the most important people in my life. Sometimes they went off with someone else and it broke my heart. I always took them back. I had no pride.
I was hopeless in school. I couldn’t be bothered doing any work at all. I used to sit at the back of the classroom and draw profiles of beautiful women on my rough book. And sign my name over and over again. My teachers gave up on me.
I wore the shortest mini skirts that I could find. I also wore wigs and false eyelashes and thigh length boots. I was tacky.
I worked in a bank for five years. I cut coupons from bonds and presented them to other banks for payment. I sat beside a hatch window and had to open it to deal with enquiries. If I had a pound for every time someone started with A cup of tea and a cheese roll I’d be rich (even now, all these years later).
My son never reads any of my books. Even though he’s a character in a lot of them. He prefers to read real life stuff about the Mafia.
My husband reads all of my books. He says he likes them but he would say that, wouldn’t he?
